brainwash

So when I was growing up the world was a pretty lonely place.
I had nobody I could trust or really talk to until maybe a few years ago.

When I was 13ish I started going to this teen church (some people actually invited me to be a part of something? for serious? like they actually want me to be there??) 2x a week.
It was fantastically "unique" and unlike any church I've ever been to before.

I mean, it had everything to distract and dazzle kids and teens alike.

There was a live band, smoke machines, an in-your-face preacher who cracked jokes and was all tough love. He even wore jeans & tee shirts.

And then there was this "God" who supposedly thinks the world of you so that he sacrificed himself to save your mortal soul. There was this supreme being who loved you and thought you were awesome. This creator of the universe thought that you were WORTH something.

All it took to make it concrete is that you submit any free will or intelligent thoughts, along with 10% of what you had, to his representatives.
These people would never steer you wrong.
They are a part of the "body of Christ".



So for a while I bought the lies.

For a kid who never felt like I was worth anything this whole God concept was pretty awesome.

I kept building up wall after wall of biblical answers that never really answered any of the deep seated questions. For example, why would a benevolent God let people suffer. Why is it that the church is more concerned about bake sales to raise money for expanding their building when people are starving on the streets right outside its doors? Why is it that God would give everybody free will and then condemn people to hell for not believing in Him?

Why is there even a hell?

Because if you turn on the evening news it seems that hell is already here. Rape, murder, genocide, natural disasters, human-made disasters, war, famine... Nobody can tell me that hell isn't already here on earth.
How is this the product of a loving deity?


I eventually walked away.

I have never met this Jesus, but I know that the Christian church is not a representation of who he is or what he stood for.

He wasn't all about memorizing the texts of Judaism and spitting out verses. He was about living. He was about taking care of the poor and the sick, standing up for the socially repressed, partying with friends and strangers alike, and throwing wrenches into the machine of his time, whether that machine is the political or religious empire.
He was about asking questions nobody could answer. The envelope wasn't just pushed, but thrown across the room.

Now that is somebody I would follow.

Not these ignorant, delusional, self righteous nuts on stage every sunday.




In other news: I am feeling better. Still pretty dizzy but I am not passing out or having weird fever dreams.

(It was pretty fucked up. I kept seeing myself in the alter room in that Buddhist temple where my dad's ashes are kept. there are 2 alters with shelves for the dead females and males. in my weird nightmare there were just dead people standing around instead of jars of ash. they all kept staring ahead and somebody kept saying "you dont belong here. why are you here? this is a resting place for the dead. this is not your place." and i kept waking up and falling asleep again so i would constantly be back in that scene.)