gluttony day

the family & friends have been fed.
everything that had survived the swarm of locusts is now safely tucked away in aluminum foil & plastic containers.
they have all left, tipsy, full, and glad to be done with that obligatory family time we have during the holidays.

i am now about to sit down & study until the adderall quits and i pass out.

this is an addiction i can get used to. i am hyperactive only in my head instead of feeling the urge to move around constantly. i get so much done in a small amount of time.
i dont have to sleep.

i feel myself moving much faster than i should and the crash is inevitable. i know it cant be avoided, as with all chemical addictions. i just hope it wont come til after i can attach Dr. to my last name, and fuck the rest.



i've thought about that quote, what good is it when a man gains the world and loses his soul.

well i dont give a damn.

i want the world.
i want it all.

even if i have to sell my soul to get it.

and for a big enough take home pay, i will sell out.



fuck everything else.

My summary of God at this point

God:
1. fickle, in the way that he seems to be a friend one moment and a tormentor the next
2. a sadistic bastard (very similar to my a-hole father, may he rest in peace) who likes to get my hopes up only to dash them in the most absurd ways last minute
3. absentee parental figure
4. totally unreliable jerk, who:
5. makes my life into a cosmic joke
6. is silent to my prayers or not answering in a way that my puny mind can grasp
7. constantly fucks me over, or allows others to fuck me over




in short, i can no longer place my trust, hope, or faith in this individual.

i have tried too hard for too long just to get some sort of answer, maybe gain some sort of understanding with no fruition. i have tried to be a decent person.
my basic prayer of "please make my life not so worthless today" has been ignored for a very long time, no matter how i try to approach the issue.

God is no longer welcome here til i get some sort of response. i demand it.

i need something a little more concrete here, bc right now i am talking to some entity that no one can see or hear. people get locked away in the nuthouse for that type of thing and i am starting to wonder if i belong there as well.

if that is sacrilegious then so be it.

that is how i genuinely feel, and if God has a problem with it then he can go ahead and do something about it.


*flicks off the universe/powers that be*

2 and then some weeks of blahishness

I am so ridiculously tired but still wide awake.

I'm in the middle of organizing post its, index cards, & tiny random scribblings into an entire map of concepts.

I hope I pass these classes.

The words & pictures are being sorted through. They are being pounded into my brain only to dribble out my ears.

I keep trying to learn & memorize this stuff and nothing is sticking, but it seems really pointless to lay around and attempt to sleep.

FML. I hate school. I hate responsibility and other peoples' expectations and having to be an adult. I hate that something is wrong with my wiring and I can be fine for a few weeks and then totally out of touch for a few weeks after that.

I am anxious for no reason. I've also been feeling really bummed out for the past few weeks for no reason at all, which just makes me think it is a weird chemical imbalance. I don't want to be on meds again. I hated being a zombie for months and then trying to kill myself just to see what would happen once I started to get used to the medicine when those little sporadic bursts of energy would occur.
*bang head on desk*

Anyway... back to memorizing gram negative/gram positive bacteria.

Fed up, royally.

I am so ready to just drop out of school.

Never in my life have I ever felt more inept.

Maybe I really just stopped caring enough to put in hard work at a steady pace, which seems likely. Or maybe I am just really dumb, which could be possible since my awesome grades from levels 1-12 have come from public school systems.

*dies*

One of my favorite authors wrote back...

Hi Quynh

Thanks so much for writing me and being so vulnerable. I am so sorry you
are going through this. And do I understand! I have had some violent
arguments with God. I actually put a massive dent in a refrigerator door
during one of them. I've told God to go to hell, go fuck off, dared him to
kill me. All of it. My book editor was too gun-shy to include those
arguments in my book.

And the Bible is filled with similar tirades, and from his "chosen" people
like King David or Jeremiah. Jeremiah 20:7 says, "Oh Lord you deceived me
and I was deceived." But the original Hebrew is sometimes translated as
"Lord you RAPED me ..." No one likes to preach on THAT from the pulpit.

I don't know the circumstances of your life that would create an image of
God who thinks you are worthless. But I can tell you where I got my asshole
God: perfectionist rageful father, cowardly mom and church role models; lies
taught in the church, by omission or comission; horrible dangerous people
who claimed to speak for God. And then me and my own self-hatred. You'll
read about these things in my book.

It took a long time to realize God actually cheered for me when I succeeded
and was happy, and that he grieved over the failures and losses., and that
he even felt angry on my behalf, about the hurt done to me. I don't know
why God allows us to suffer. I think we can endure horrible suffering if we
know deep in our bones that God loves us. But without feeling loved, it's
impossible to endure anything.

I'm not sure why he's not speaking to you; or if he is why you can't hear
him. But that would be my biggest prayer for you, that you begin to hear God
and experience that love. What would God's love look like you in tangible
terms? What love looks like to you is going to be specific to your
personality, what you need, how you see the world.

I can tell you how it was for me, how I began to sense God again: I spent a
lot of energy crying, yelling, venting to God. My AA sponsor forced me to
write a gratitude list every day. It started off really short. Eventually
the list grew. My circumstances didn't change all that much, but internally
I changed because I had to discipline myself to see love and beauty.

This is NOT "stop complaining and count your blessings." But rather "KEEP
complaining, keep asking God to show up ... And also train your senses to
notice love and beauty in your life." Because those signs are the buoy
markers that will guide you home.

I STILL mourn the loss of dreams. For example, I always wanted to be a
comedic actor and writer. And I did do a lot of it, but I didn't dare allow
myself to want anything too much. If I'd had the courage I would have dared
to act or write on Saturday Night Live. I don't know if it was a combination
of bad choices, bad timing and failure to WANT IT enough, that prevented
that from happening. So it's a loss.

But I also have to admit that what I am doing now is really terrific. I got
to write a book, I am working on a solo show based on the book. And I've
gotten the privilege of encouraging others who've gone through similar
struggles. I get to encourage you.

When I first read your email I was overcome with grief and anger for what
you are experiencing. I can't help but think that God whispered those
feelings to me on your behalf. And that he made sure you'd find the book
and email me. Because I can tell you, God does not see you as a miserable
bug. But he's got to reveal himself to you NOW, he's got to show his love
to you now, in a way that is specific to you and your personality. So that
really is my prayer for you. That God show up, and that you are able to see
it.

These may feel like idealistic prayers but I will pray them for you, Quynh.
Please let me know how you are doing, and if anything from the book stirs up
questions, please let me know I will be happy to speak more.


Thanks again for your email, and for your vulnerability and courage.

Susan Isaacs








Check out her book here; it is well worth the read:
http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Angry-Conversations-with-God/Susan-E-Isaacs/e/9781599950624



http://www.susanisaacs.net/

i am not my grade

... but i sure as hell feel bad about those 2 failed exams.

i've never failed a test before. let alone 2 of them in the same week.

fuck having the flu. sleeping and laying around chugging peppermint tea with my eyes shut from dizziness for the majority of 2 weeks really fucked up my study schedule.

now i have to just bust my ass and try to do well enough on the final so i could use it to replace my failed exam scores. fml. just fml.

*bang head on desk*



i am trying this new thing where i dont measure my self worth based on grades.
after all, a number typed onto a computer screen by another man's hand (bc, you know, i am obviously my own man) does not tell the story of who i am as a person.

but dammit, i feel bad about it.

bio exam # 3 in the a.m.

it has been 2 weeks and i am feeling much better now.

except for the occasional phlegmy cough (which is probably due to splitting a pack of camels over the weekend at bars & clubs) i am at my usual level of health.

being sick for so long means that i havent been able to go to class or take my adderall.

my body knows it, too.

it's so used to my prescribed speed that it went through withdrawals. i took half a pill tonight to stay up and study for my bio exam.

i only have 2 more chapters to go, but had to pause for minor distractions like blogging and facespacing. i also ordered a new canon battery from amazon for like 20 bucks.
my behavior is sporadic and almost thoughtless when i take this stuff at times. it is almost like i am purposefully giving myself bouts of mania.
it is better than the alternative.

i had a conversation with kelsey about that. it made quite a bit of sense now that i think about it. a.d.d wasnt well known in the earlier years of psychology. women, especially, were diagnosed as bipolar. when they were distracted and did 20million things at once it resembled symptoms of mania. when they tried to get it together, tried their hardest to just get errands done for the day only to fail due to having no attention it would make them feel inadequate, which would lead to a poor self image over time. this led to depression.

so put them on speed and those ladies are manic all the time! sometimes they get a little snappy.

we'll just diagnose them as being hormonal and on their periods :D




fml. i need to go study.