mmhmm

There is this band, Relient K, who sings really teeny bopper pop/punk semi Christian songs.

They are one of my favorites.

I listen to their album (MmHmm) in my car, blasting it above the noise of Atlanta traffic and my own shrieking, whenever I feel like flicking off the world & the powers that be. Whenever I want to say Fuck it all and just give up I sing along to their angst ridden teen Christian pop music and I feel better.

There is one line that goes "and this is how I choose to live, as if i'm jumping off a cliff knowing that you'll save me, knowing that you'll save me..." and it hurts my heart.

I so desperately miss those days when I felt everything was going to work out in the end. I was so stupidly, blindly, ridiculously ignorant and optimistic that God will fix everything and that all the bad things that were happening was only to make me stronger. Whenever the world was in utter chaos and going to shit I hung on to those shreds of hope that somebody was out there who cared about me, loved me, and wanted the best for me, and that person was in total control so that nothing could really break me.

And I just don't believe that anymore.

I miss being able to trust my life in some sort of force outside of my own being.

I just wont. I cant.


there is no way i can ever go back to just being that blind. not after getting fucked over so many times. i wont.

i just miss KNOWING that it'll all be ok in the end.

wtf 0.o

this is the fourth time i got this kind of message on myspace looking for escorts, and lord knows how many times i've gotten messages from creepers in general. that place is so dirty...


"hey whats up how you doing name Brandi i am not gay i am online for looking for some beautiful females that want to make some good money and if interested hit me up only open minded women though.... not trying to come off as being rude just coming to you on a real deal no BS. on making some real money but if you feel like i came off on you wrong sorry but this is only for the open minded females that want to make some money so if interested hit me back also this is for the adult industry hit me back an ill tell you more of what i am looking for thank you. WHAT WE ARE CURRENTLY HIRING FOR: ESCORTS,DANCERS, AND ADULT FILMS ONLY RESPOND BACK IF YOU HAVE INTEREST IN THE ADULT ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY THANK YOU!! PLEASE READ ALL BEFORE RESPONDING THANK YOU!!!"




sigh.


0.o



what the fuck!!!

i feel the urge to wash my skin with gasoline and fire now.

how do you just solicit a complete stranger on the interweb like that?

and do i freakin LOOK like a skank!?!


gaaaaaaaaaawd!!#%$#%$@$!$&^%!!

clouds

It is so cold in my apartment (even with the gas heater) right now that my breath comes out in little clouds. I like smoking when it is like this anyway... the vapors seem to be way more than my little lungs can hold.

Anyway, this is day 3 or 4 of my being on zoloft.

I don't notice anything different, except for feeling really horrible and anxious when I was an hour late on my dosage today.

It should take about 2 weeks for this stuff to start really working. Hello, prescribed addiction.

And I still can't sleep.

update

today is the third day i've been on zoloft. 50 mg, once a day around noon.
there are no noticeable changes so far.

i hope it works soon. i had a weird depressive mood swing yesterday for a few minutes. it only lasted the time it takes for me to smoke a (legitimate) cigarette but it was an awful feeling while it lasted. then it went away again.

i really cant wait for this stuff to work, although according to my boss, "you might get bored sometimes".

freezing my balls off

i feel extremely lazy today.
there is no motivation to be active whatsoever.

i blame it on this god-awful weather. i mean seriously, can it just warm up to the 70s already? i mean, what is not to love about warm weather? the sun, the occasional cool breeze, the girls coming out in shorter and shorter skirts, the totally badass tan one gets from going on 3 hour runs a few times a week, the heat waves coming off the concrete, the girls coming out in shorter skirts...

it just makes me want to move to the land of perpetual summer and leave this completely miserable southern tundra behind. i mean, foggy & grey i can deal with, but add frigid air to that and it spells out certain death.




ugh, so anyway, enough about how much i hate georgia and cant wait to live on the west coast somewhere.

my visit with my new shrink, Pegah, was pretty awesome.
it was a combination of me being ready to figure things out for the first time and her being really genuine.

i'm pretty excited about this.
i can't wait to see where it'll go.

good son

I am watching Good Son for a class right now, and my attention has pretty much worn out.

Hence the blogging about watching a movie.. :)

The character referral for class is due Thursday so I am watching the interesting parts only. God bless the fast forward button.

So I have been diagnosed with Bipolar II.

After the movie is done I am going to drop off my prescriptions for zoloft and adderall and start on my meds tomorrow or wednesday.

I'm a bit nervous. When I was younger the welbutrin made me feel suddenly very motivated to kill myself. I was in a depression that was like a really slow anger without the energy, and then suddenly I had the energy to make everything stop.

Antidepressants react strangely in younger people anyway, but maybe this time it wont make me all retarded.

I still can't help but be a little edgy about this.