mmhmm

There is this band, Relient K, who sings really teeny bopper pop/punk semi Christian songs.

They are one of my favorites.

I listen to their album (MmHmm) in my car, blasting it above the noise of Atlanta traffic and my own shrieking, whenever I feel like flicking off the world & the powers that be. Whenever I want to say Fuck it all and just give up I sing along to their angst ridden teen Christian pop music and I feel better.

There is one line that goes "and this is how I choose to live, as if i'm jumping off a cliff knowing that you'll save me, knowing that you'll save me..." and it hurts my heart.

I so desperately miss those days when I felt everything was going to work out in the end. I was so stupidly, blindly, ridiculously ignorant and optimistic that God will fix everything and that all the bad things that were happening was only to make me stronger. Whenever the world was in utter chaos and going to shit I hung on to those shreds of hope that somebody was out there who cared about me, loved me, and wanted the best for me, and that person was in total control so that nothing could really break me.

And I just don't believe that anymore.

I miss being able to trust my life in some sort of force outside of my own being.

I just wont. I cant.


there is no way i can ever go back to just being that blind. not after getting fucked over so many times. i wont.

i just miss KNOWING that it'll all be ok in the end.