vlog the first

vlog intro

sertraline

i started to take my generic zoloft again. this time i will try to do it more consistently since it seemed to help when i wasnt missing doses & etc.
i'm starting to take it around 11-midnight when i'm about to go to sleep. hopefully that will keep me from being sleepy during the day time.

here we go again.

funny creepy sad

i've been doing lots of random reading for some of my psych classes and it strikes me as really strange and funny how screwed up i was as a kid.

there was that time we were staying with my uncle & grandparents in saigon. it was a huge apartment on like the 4th floor with lots of people, a large dog, and several cats. so one time i remember playing too rough with a dark furred kitty and he scratched me. out of complete rage i grabbed him by the tail, took this random blunt object, and smacked the hell out of him. i didnt really understand the concept of life and death, except that he was alive the moment he scratched me and then not so alive shortly thereafter.[how come nobody punished me for acting like such a little savage anyway??? all the adults were there when it happened].
then there were all those times i tried to set things on fire in VN and in the states. i finally stopped doing that around age 14 because i started amusing myself with drugs instead.
i also remember the elementary school i first attended in PA, with huge fields that had to be maintained using a huge lawn mower. i was standing in the way of the driver during recess and just waiting to see if he'd run me over, just out of curiosity. then one of the kindergarten teachers noticed and rushed to grab my hand and get me out of the way, when all i could think of was maybe if SHE got run over by one of those things it would be really interesting to watch.
in addition to all that i had horrible rage as a kid. i seriously flipped out and put some serious whoopass on my cousins when we were all little (even though some of them were older and larger than me) whenever they pissed me off. i also screamed, yelled, and threw things at adults who told me no or ignored me, with every intention of hitting them in the face & head.

all in all, that was a seriously messed up child who grew up to be an equally messed up (although somewhat contained) adult.

fuckin' weird.

crazy recluse under a bridge

i was doing ok for a while (or so i thought) until about a week ago when everything just didnt seem real. so i flipped out and had a little coke/adderall bender. it wouldve just been coke alone if i had enough cash, but i only had enough for one good, solid line that made me geeked out for almost an entire day. then everything started hurting because i started to withdrawal and like a pathetic addict i had to make do with like 6 adderalls just to make up for that awful feeling of bad sex and being cheated on after losing your phone and wallet on a public transit vehicle (because that's what it feels like after i start to come down to reality, whatever this reality is). and when that just didnt really cut it after a while i flirted with the idea of accidentally cutting a little too deep and bleeding to death, but thought i should probably do that in the bathroom so i wont stain the carpet in my apartment and leave jason & kelsey to have to clean (or just replace the entire carpeting altogether) which would be completely uncool considering how they are letting me stay there for such unbelievably low rent. i ended up just cutting shallow lines into my arm until i felt better, but now i dont know what's going through my head. everything is just moving in slow motion and i feel like my head is underwater. everything has a hollow ring to it and each time i blink it seems harder to open my eyes and be in the present. i just have 2 more classes to go through and then meet with a group member to work on our presentation for a bit. i just have to hang tough for a few more hours of noise and crowded hallways and i'll be good.
my shrink has suggested writing down everything that goes through my head whenever i start to feel that panicky sensation that makes me want to run away from everything and do stupid shit. i'm going to take her suggestion and hopefully it'll keep me grounded.

fuck!!

i am so bad with managing time and keeping up with things.

fml.


i missed an exam for one of my classes.
for some reason i thought it was going to be due at the end of this week, not the start of this week.

fuuuuuuuuck.


*bang head on desk*



oh well.. i'll just have to do really well on the rest of the assignments.

i just. well, fuck. that's all i can think of. just fuck.