i was doing ok for a while (or so i thought) until about a week ago when everything just didnt seem real. so i flipped out and had a little coke/adderall bender. it wouldve just been coke alone if i had enough cash, but i only had enough for one good, solid line that made me geeked out for almost an entire day. then everything started hurting because i started to withdrawal and like a pathetic addict i had to make do with like 6 adderalls just to make up for that awful feeling of bad sex and being cheated on after losing your phone and wallet on a public transit vehicle (because that's what it feels like after i start to come down to reality, whatever this reality is). and when that just didnt really cut it after a while i flirted with the idea of accidentally cutting a little too deep and bleeding to death, but thought i should probably do that in the bathroom so i wont stain the carpet in my apartment and leave jason & kelsey to have to clean (or just replace the entire carpeting altogether) which would be completely uncool considering how they are letting me stay there for such unbelievably low rent. i ended up just cutting shallow lines into my arm until i felt better, but now i dont know what's going through my head. everything is just moving in slow motion and i feel like my head is underwater. everything has a hollow ring to it and each time i blink it seems harder to open my eyes and be in the present. i just have 2 more classes to go through and then meet with a group member to work on our presentation for a bit. i just have to hang tough for a few more hours of noise and crowded hallways and i'll be good.
my shrink has suggested writing down everything that goes through my head whenever i start to feel that panicky sensation that makes me want to run away from everything and do stupid shit. i'm going to take her suggestion and hopefully it'll keep me grounded.
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