jittery

The day started off with a nice little bout of anxiety, but I am making myself just keep on moving.

I have a nice little stash of zoloft today, but haven't taken any. I really should start again, but I've gone several months without it when my insurance was tied up in red tape and corporate answering machines so I have to start off with half doses & slowly increase to the right amount.

This sense of imbalance is really fucking with my head and I miss the feeling of being centered. It was nice to not be totally numb, but it was like being on the anti-crazy meds gave me a tougher skin or acted as a dam to keep the insanity at bay.
Ok, slight exaggeration. I don't believe I was ever truly insane-acting. I just become very reactive at times when I am not medicated.

Everything affects me a little more. I had forgotten this feeling of being on a hairline trigger and feeling overwhelmed by everything. The slightest things that I had been able to take in stride, almost in a numbed manner, have started to bring out this complete ire in me. Little problems and issues feel magnified and my instinct is to snap back right away.

The only benefit is that when my mind races I come up with some really awesome ideas for art & photography, which is the only thing that really makes me happy when I'm like this.

I'll start back on the meds tonight. I just need to start stockpiling this stuff for when I have no insurance in about 2 years.

I can give up a little bit of creativity for a sense of serenity.

Echocardiogram

I am so scared right now.

I went to get my prescription for zoloft refilled by Dr. Kim when he paused and asked if I've ever had a heart murmur before.

Well no, I've always been sickly and heart disease runs in my family but I've never been diagnosed with anything.

So he kept trying to listen to my heart beating & said it sounded strange, which explains the occasional rapid heartbeat & sharp aches in my chest that happens once in a long while.
He heard the weird sound again, for sure, so he asked me to come back for an echocardiogram in a few weeks just to make sure everything is ok.

I'm just freaked out that it could be something serious that I've always avoided going to the doctor about bc for them to confirm that it's not all in my head means that there could be something physically messed up with my cardiovascular system, which only means a short lifetime of pain and medication.

heartbeats

things were going so well for the past few months i nearly forgot how broken & dysfunctional i can be.

oh well... i was blissful for several months, which is the longest stretch of being happy that i can remember. it was nice while it lasted.

now i am sitting up at 5 in the morning, having serious anxiety, not breathing correctly, with my heartbeat pounding in my ears.

i want to go back to being chilled out & blissfully ignorant again.

Jolly Roger Tavern & Awkward Girl

I'm so thrilled to be free of my retail book store job.

I'm currently working the desk & doing piercings at a tattoo shop in south atlanta and not making a great deal of money but I am happy to go to work.

There are lots of things to be done, starting with a website, business cards, print ads & facebook ads. I want to help this place prosper and make a killing. it will also be a great opportunity for me to test out my marketing & advertising skills.

It'll be great for my schedule & I can go see my wonderful awkward girl perform more often. that wonderful girl who makes my heart beat faster when i think about her can really rock the guitar & croon some amazing tunes.

I'm happy with life & how crazy it is & how wonderfully new & magical & bright things are.