crazy doctor

I've had several assessments in the past few months and now the counseling department at GSU has finally come up with a diagnosis: Bipolar type II.

Bipolar II is similar to Bipolar I in that I have episodes of highs and lows, although I will have have full mania. My up episodes, hypomania, are usually when I am loud, energetic, extremely social, and full of thoughts & ideas that bounce around my skull rapidly. This is to be followed shortly by depressive episodes where I feel worthless and suicidal.




Anyway, they want to start me on zoloft to help with the depression. This is risky bc it possibly triggers episodes of hypomania.



I just hope I don't become a raging douche bag while I'm on meds, or try to kill myself like I did when I was on welbutrin.

Sigh. Freakin' apprehension.

Battle robots

My post has nothing to do with battle robots.
I was just thinking about how cool it would be to have my own evil mechanical minion that serves as a giant walking computer as well.

Anyway, school has started and I feel pretty far behind already.
I have so many papers to write & projects to work on.
One of my books isn't even here yet. Screw you, amazon.

With almost full time at work, 3 classes, a lab, and trying to get AlphaCubed off the ground I feel like I have no time for anything. Except, you know, the occasional blog to bitch about how stressed out or tired I am.
I think this completely packed schedule is going to benefit me, though. If I have no time to sit and think about all the horrible things, if I have no time to dwell on the anxiety & dread, then it should go away eventually.

chemicals and mood swings

I have no idea what is wrong with me.

I start off the day fine, then I feel awful for hours, then I am fine again, then I stay up at night because of the anxiety attacks. I feel like I am going to puke because of this constant fear & dread in the pit of my stomach. There are all these random thoughts that come out of nowhere and make no sense, like they don't even belong to me.
I keep thinking about how much I hate everything, how much I hate myself, and how easy it would be to just make everything stop permanently. There is no reason for me to think like this or feel this horrible, but I do. I'm trying hard to just be logical and think about all the good things in my life, all the good things I am looking forward to this year, the next year, the one after that, and so on and so forth, in an attempt to make these thoughts and feelings go away.

FML. I just want to be normal.

i feel weird

nothing makes the alone feeling more apparent than waking up in the middle of the night in an anxiety attack and not being able to talk to anybody because you might bother them by calling.

Everybody is leaving me.
Slowly, but surely.


It is one of my greatest fears and it is happening one person at a time.


I think I am just meant to die alone.