One starts to wonder...

I have this problem.

It will probably never be fully resolved, hard as I try. And believe me, I've tried. I'm still trying.
Every single day is a struggle.

I try so hard to push out all the negative thoughts, the horrible feeling of someone sitting on my chest & pushing out every breath I have, the feeling of vomiting burning poison from my insides. I have to remind myself hundreds of times a day that everything will be okay and that I am okay, but I only partly believe myself. I've never been able to fully believe that I am a decent person. It feels like I'll always be this damaged, broken thing made up of countless individual failures that will always define who I am and it will never be any different. No matter how hard I try I always see that person in the mirror while everybody else sees someone who has it together. They see someone who is confidant & social. They see someone who cracks silly jokes & has no qualms about working hard to get things done. They see this persona I've built up for as long as I can remember and they will all leave in disgust the day they discover that I am a fraud.

Tomorrow I will try again

I've taken things for granted.

Specifically, I've taken my new calmer and doped up state of mind for granted, so I will start taking zoloft again tomorrow morning.

WIthout it I have started to slip back into a weird cycle of depression and everything is starting to feel horrible again. Everything is falling apart in my head again, even when they're not actually.

I hate that this medicine makes me normal and almost whole. I hate that I am a broken person with too many individual failures to ever forgive myself with the only thing keeping me from feeling okay is 100mg per day.
However, if that's what it takes to be even be close to being a normal person then beggars can't be choosers.

Tomorrow is another day. Another start to what I know can only be better.