One of my favorite authors wrote back...

Hi Quynh

Thanks so much for writing me and being so vulnerable. I am so sorry you
are going through this. And do I understand! I have had some violent
arguments with God. I actually put a massive dent in a refrigerator door
during one of them. I've told God to go to hell, go fuck off, dared him to
kill me. All of it. My book editor was too gun-shy to include those
arguments in my book.

And the Bible is filled with similar tirades, and from his "chosen" people
like King David or Jeremiah. Jeremiah 20:7 says, "Oh Lord you deceived me
and I was deceived." But the original Hebrew is sometimes translated as
"Lord you RAPED me ..." No one likes to preach on THAT from the pulpit.

I don't know the circumstances of your life that would create an image of
God who thinks you are worthless. But I can tell you where I got my asshole
God: perfectionist rageful father, cowardly mom and church role models; lies
taught in the church, by omission or comission; horrible dangerous people
who claimed to speak for God. And then me and my own self-hatred. You'll
read about these things in my book.

It took a long time to realize God actually cheered for me when I succeeded
and was happy, and that he grieved over the failures and losses., and that
he even felt angry on my behalf, about the hurt done to me. I don't know
why God allows us to suffer. I think we can endure horrible suffering if we
know deep in our bones that God loves us. But without feeling loved, it's
impossible to endure anything.

I'm not sure why he's not speaking to you; or if he is why you can't hear
him. But that would be my biggest prayer for you, that you begin to hear God
and experience that love. What would God's love look like you in tangible
terms? What love looks like to you is going to be specific to your
personality, what you need, how you see the world.

I can tell you how it was for me, how I began to sense God again: I spent a
lot of energy crying, yelling, venting to God. My AA sponsor forced me to
write a gratitude list every day. It started off really short. Eventually
the list grew. My circumstances didn't change all that much, but internally
I changed because I had to discipline myself to see love and beauty.

This is NOT "stop complaining and count your blessings." But rather "KEEP
complaining, keep asking God to show up ... And also train your senses to
notice love and beauty in your life." Because those signs are the buoy
markers that will guide you home.

I STILL mourn the loss of dreams. For example, I always wanted to be a
comedic actor and writer. And I did do a lot of it, but I didn't dare allow
myself to want anything too much. If I'd had the courage I would have dared
to act or write on Saturday Night Live. I don't know if it was a combination
of bad choices, bad timing and failure to WANT IT enough, that prevented
that from happening. So it's a loss.

But I also have to admit that what I am doing now is really terrific. I got
to write a book, I am working on a solo show based on the book. And I've
gotten the privilege of encouraging others who've gone through similar
struggles. I get to encourage you.

When I first read your email I was overcome with grief and anger for what
you are experiencing. I can't help but think that God whispered those
feelings to me on your behalf. And that he made sure you'd find the book
and email me. Because I can tell you, God does not see you as a miserable
bug. But he's got to reveal himself to you NOW, he's got to show his love
to you now, in a way that is specific to you and your personality. So that
really is my prayer for you. That God show up, and that you are able to see
it.

These may feel like idealistic prayers but I will pray them for you, Quynh.
Please let me know how you are doing, and if anything from the book stirs up
questions, please let me know I will be happy to speak more.


Thanks again for your email, and for your vulnerability and courage.

Susan Isaacs








Check out her book here; it is well worth the read:
http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Angry-Conversations-with-God/Susan-E-Isaacs/e/9781599950624



http://www.susanisaacs.net/