festivus

I feel great today.

This is the first year where I haven't been horribly depressed during the holidays.

Work wasn't even that bad, surprisingly. (or maybe it's always been the same, but I am seeing things with a new set of eyes this time)



:D only 17 days til school starts again.
I can' wait to just be done with it. They can mail me my degree and I can rent a cap & gown to take some pictures for my mom to keep, but there is no way I am going to the graduation ceremony. That was a horrible day (Sorry, Rachel. I was proud of you for getting your degree but that entire day is going down in my books as a disaster, what with the psychotic retired civil rights leader and his rambling speech, the hour of being stuck in a crowded parking deck, and our emo 'boyfriends') that should never be repeated.
I should only have a year left after this *knocks on wood* before I can move away to Oxford and study for MCATs and work a BS job to pay for living costs.
That's the plan for now.

For the first time in a long time I have a vague idea of what the future will hold.

God, this is exciting :D

end of 09

this is the first year that i've ended without feeling old, drained, and broken.

i think i'm starting to live my life. despite the bouts of insomnia, the days when my anxiety makes it hurt to change out of my PJs and walk out the door, the periods of depression & horrible thoughts that don't feel like they belong to me.. despite all that, i think i am finally going to be okay.

i've always been detached. i tried to be a total robot and live in denial of the fact that everything was falling to pieces around me. it was my way of not having to deal with things because once i am forced to slow down and look at what was going on i knew i'd just break. so i had to remain tough and do other fucked up things to prevent having to see reality.
this time i am not going to be "tough" but "resilient". someone told me a long time ago that there is a great difference between being tough and being strong. i didnt understand it then but i am starting to figure that out.







list of shit to do this year:

1. learn to kickbox.. and go fight club on somebody :D

2. somehow con some friends into going running on trails with me

3. be the best damn vegas styled drag king zombie best man anybody could ask for at their wedding

4. reenact the fight scene between o-ren ishi and the bride with my bee-eff-eff in the middle of GSU's courtyard.

5. more films. more pictures. more art.





i cant sleep.

footy jammies

i love footy PJs. there's just something so adorably sweet about them.
i think it's because all my little cousins, nieces, and nephews used to be fat toddlers who bounced around in footy PJs when i used to babysit.
it is a little bit of joy to break up the day.

spanking should be allowed

these 2 little boys (8-10ish) were running around Job today, being loud, bumping into people, playing tag indoors.

kids are kids. whatever.

i didnt really care until they got too loud and nearly ran other customers down, at which point i told them to quit running around inside and go play quietly.

they were sweet, polite little kids, who meant no harm. i understand. i can totally relate. no big deal.




i was fine ignoring them til they knocked over & busted the spine of an expensive nudie book in the art section after they looked through it briefly and giggled.

so in my semi-adult voice i said, "okay guys, who are you with? who is supposed to be watching you?"

i told them that they were young and if they wanted to walk around the store they would have to have a parent with them. they werent in trouble; those are just the rules.






i found their guardian. a middle aged teacher sitting in cafe flirting with some man.

so i told her that they had to stay with a guardian or she could hang out with them in the kids' department. whatever.





half an hour later she wants to get mad & complain to my boss.

i will briefly paraphrase her, along with my thought bubble responses that were kept from becoming word vomit:


is there a policy i dont know about? (yes, it is a little something i like to call the law.)
because i've read books at the camp creek and edgewood store & have never had this problem. (well that's because they need to do a damn better job)
these are very good students (i dont care if they are freakin geniuses or total dumbasses, they dont need to run full speed in a crowded store) and i have never had a problem with them acting up (that's probably because you were too busy trying to pick up men in a cafe to pay attention to them, you raging cunt rag!!!)
blahblahblah... (at this point i stopped listening to let my boss lady assure her that it was only for the safety of the brats that they have to be with a guardian. you know, busy store, any maniac can walk in and take a kid, etc etc.)




so my theory is she wasnt so pissed about me disciplining the kids. she was just pissed that i ruined her game by making them sit there, rendering her scary cougar powers worthless.



a word to the wise:

keep your damned kids on leashes or dont procreate if you dont want to be responsible parents.

Dec.11.09

I have horrible anxiety & dread.
It makes me breathe in a really labored manner, so I have tried to do breathing exercises but it isn't working as well as I'd like.
I really want to carve things into my arms & legs again in order to calm down.

I feel it over the horizon like a storm

My moods keep fluctuating.

I feel the depression fighting it's way into my day and I have been doing my best to distract myself with studies, work, and hanging out with friends. I've been reading my textbooks as well as regular books at night when I can't sleep.

Most of the time it will go away, but I have this fear that my mental state is slowly dissipating because the insomnia is at it's worst in about a year, I'll get extreme lows, suicidal thoughts and urges that come out of nowhere only to quickly disappear again, and I start to see people moving out the corners of my eyes when nobody is around.

I just really don't want to be crazy.

I can't afford to lose grip on reality any time soon.

My family isn't taken care of yet. I want to be able to finish med school and save up a decent amount of money from my good job so they wont have financial issues.

In times like this I really wonder where the hell my priorities are. Like they aren't even really MY priorities.

They're really not.

I feel like I don't have my own priorities at this moment.

And I'm going to go take pictures of Lilybean now, before I start to think about how easy it would be to cease to exist. I hate when I get like this.

i hate that term "crunch time"

seriously, crunch time?

what is so crunchy about it?




so i have slept every other night for over a week and it will continue like this til my next set of exams on tuesday.
all this preparation & memorization and i STILL feel totally inadequate.


i'll just be happy with a C in either of the bio classes.

i keep telling myself i'll do better and work harder next semester but i really don't know how to study and i still decide to say "fuck it, i'm going out" half the time.
what childish behavior.

no wonder i feel like a failure. i never strive to do the best i can and the rule is you get out what you put in. so it is my own damn fault i don't do as well as i could.



maybe i'll just sell veggie burgers & drugs on the side of the road for a living.

0.o