end of 09

this is the first year that i've ended without feeling old, drained, and broken.

i think i'm starting to live my life. despite the bouts of insomnia, the days when my anxiety makes it hurt to change out of my PJs and walk out the door, the periods of depression & horrible thoughts that don't feel like they belong to me.. despite all that, i think i am finally going to be okay.

i've always been detached. i tried to be a total robot and live in denial of the fact that everything was falling to pieces around me. it was my way of not having to deal with things because once i am forced to slow down and look at what was going on i knew i'd just break. so i had to remain tough and do other fucked up things to prevent having to see reality.
this time i am not going to be "tough" but "resilient". someone told me a long time ago that there is a great difference between being tough and being strong. i didnt understand it then but i am starting to figure that out.







list of shit to do this year:

1. learn to kickbox.. and go fight club on somebody :D

2. somehow con some friends into going running on trails with me

3. be the best damn vegas styled drag king zombie best man anybody could ask for at their wedding

4. reenact the fight scene between o-ren ishi and the bride with my bee-eff-eff in the middle of GSU's courtyard.

5. more films. more pictures. more art.





i cant sleep.