I have this problem.
It will probably never be fully resolved, hard as I try. And believe me, I've tried. I'm still trying.
Every single day is a struggle.
I try so hard to push out all the negative thoughts, the horrible feeling of someone sitting on my chest & pushing out every breath I have, the feeling of vomiting burning poison from my insides. I have to remind myself hundreds of times a day that everything will be okay and that I am okay, but I only partly believe myself. I've never been able to fully believe that I am a decent person. It feels like I'll always be this damaged, broken thing made up of countless individual failures that will always define who I am and it will never be any different. No matter how hard I try I always see that person in the mirror while everybody else sees someone who has it together. They see someone who is confidant & social. They see someone who cracks silly jokes & has no qualms about working hard to get things done. They see this persona I've built up for as long as I can remember and they will all leave in disgust the day they discover that I am a fraud.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Tomorrow I will try again
I've taken things for granted.
Specifically, I've taken my new calmer and doped up state of mind for granted, so I will start taking zoloft again tomorrow morning.
WIthout it I have started to slip back into a weird cycle of depression and everything is starting to feel horrible again. Everything is falling apart in my head again, even when they're not actually.
I hate that this medicine makes me normal and almost whole. I hate that I am a broken person with too many individual failures to ever forgive myself with the only thing keeping me from feeling okay is 100mg per day.
However, if that's what it takes to be even be close to being a normal person then beggars can't be choosers.
Tomorrow is another day. Another start to what I know can only be better.
Specifically, I've taken my new calmer and doped up state of mind for granted, so I will start taking zoloft again tomorrow morning.
WIthout it I have started to slip back into a weird cycle of depression and everything is starting to feel horrible again. Everything is falling apart in my head again, even when they're not actually.
I hate that this medicine makes me normal and almost whole. I hate that I am a broken person with too many individual failures to ever forgive myself with the only thing keeping me from feeling okay is 100mg per day.
However, if that's what it takes to be even be close to being a normal person then beggars can't be choosers.
Tomorrow is another day. Another start to what I know can only be better.
Monday, July 5, 2010
leaving the church to find God
I have been so against organized religion for such a long time. I've been full of distrust & resentment towards any form of organized religion, believing (to this day and possibly for the rest of my life) that all organized religious bodies are corrupted by a lust for power, money, and control of the brainless masses.
It has taken me til recently to understand my original intentions for leaving the church: I needed to find God for myself.
So here's some back story. I was raised in Catholic and Buddhist settings in VN. I came over to the states & attended a Methodist church with my family because the only Vietnamese people we knew in America were affiliated with that church.
We moved down to Atlanta and my family went to a Baptist church.
For the most part, my father sat outside in the car & waited for us to be done.
I never knew his reasons til now.
He probably had the same beliefs that I do. That this is all fucked up and we were all being brainwashed.
I admire that he decided to humor us instead of forbidding church attendance in general.
In my teens (12-17) I attended an Assembly of God, which is like Diet Pentecostal, aka Pentecostal Lite.
I sang along with the shitty, mediocre, unimaginative songs. I raised my hands during their praise & worship because everyone else did too and I honestly let myself believe that if I tried things their way it would help me to get a little closer to this faceless god that everyone so blindly follows.
They fed us political BS about what it truly means to be a "good Christian" and live a life that is "right with god", and like many of the other attendees I ate it up til I could vomit their rhetoric back at anyone who doubted.
The only thing that accomplished is losing many friends and making myself out to be a complete jackass.
I passed their righteous judgment. I refused to budge from their belief system even though it makes no sense. I turned into a hateful little drone intent on doing what they, and I, believed to be the work of this god.
But then I realized many things.
1. They couldn't answer some very simple questions. How are we going to make the world better? Why do we raise so much money to expand the physical building that we call church but we rarely talk about raising money to help out the local neighborhoods? What the fuck does sitting around a bonfire on the shores of Panama City singing crappy songs have anything to do with being Christian?
2. The church body (it's people) would love and accept me unless I >>> a. am not hateful & judgmental about Muslims, b. ask the sort of questions that revealed how little everybody knew or cared about what following Jesus really meant, or c. flat out fuckin' flaming queer and loving it!
3. I felt more like an outcast with these supposedly loving individuals than with the "heathen nonbelievers" they so vehemently despise. (Yeah, that love the sinner hate the sin bit is total bullshit. What gives any of us the right to determine what is sinful in another person's life, eh?)
4. I was becoming more hateful & narrow-minded, completely missing the whole point that this Jesus guy talked about.
5. I'm too fucking smart for this shit.
6. Everyone, including me, put on the sickeningly sweet, polite face on church grounds. We all acted and spoke like complete douches when we were anywhere else. Nobody was comfortable being themselves at church. WTF!
So I ditched the church.
And I was angry & resentful with what I thought was God.
I realize now that I don't want to run from God. I had to leave the church, cleanse myself of their indoctrination, and reject every belief of what this god that they brainwashed us with is. So in a way that makes me an atheist, if I reject all the notions of THAT god.
I had to leave the church to find my own salvation and to find my Savior wherever He is really hiding.
Because if I have learned anything in all these years, it is that Jesus is rarely found at church.
It has taken me til recently to understand my original intentions for leaving the church: I needed to find God for myself.
So here's some back story. I was raised in Catholic and Buddhist settings in VN. I came over to the states & attended a Methodist church with my family because the only Vietnamese people we knew in America were affiliated with that church.
We moved down to Atlanta and my family went to a Baptist church.
For the most part, my father sat outside in the car & waited for us to be done.
I never knew his reasons til now.
He probably had the same beliefs that I do. That this is all fucked up and we were all being brainwashed.
I admire that he decided to humor us instead of forbidding church attendance in general.
In my teens (12-17) I attended an Assembly of God, which is like Diet Pentecostal, aka Pentecostal Lite.
I sang along with the shitty, mediocre, unimaginative songs. I raised my hands during their praise & worship because everyone else did too and I honestly let myself believe that if I tried things their way it would help me to get a little closer to this faceless god that everyone so blindly follows.
They fed us political BS about what it truly means to be a "good Christian" and live a life that is "right with god", and like many of the other attendees I ate it up til I could vomit their rhetoric back at anyone who doubted.
The only thing that accomplished is losing many friends and making myself out to be a complete jackass.
I passed their righteous judgment. I refused to budge from their belief system even though it makes no sense. I turned into a hateful little drone intent on doing what they, and I, believed to be the work of this god.
But then I realized many things.
1. They couldn't answer some very simple questions. How are we going to make the world better? Why do we raise so much money to expand the physical building that we call church but we rarely talk about raising money to help out the local neighborhoods? What the fuck does sitting around a bonfire on the shores of Panama City singing crappy songs have anything to do with being Christian?
2. The church body (it's people) would love and accept me unless I >>> a. am not hateful & judgmental about Muslims, b. ask the sort of questions that revealed how little everybody knew or cared about what following Jesus really meant, or c. flat out fuckin' flaming queer and loving it!
3. I felt more like an outcast with these supposedly loving individuals than with the "heathen nonbelievers" they so vehemently despise. (Yeah, that love the sinner hate the sin bit is total bullshit. What gives any of us the right to determine what is sinful in another person's life, eh?)
4. I was becoming more hateful & narrow-minded, completely missing the whole point that this Jesus guy talked about.
5. I'm too fucking smart for this shit.
6. Everyone, including me, put on the sickeningly sweet, polite face on church grounds. We all acted and spoke like complete douches when we were anywhere else. Nobody was comfortable being themselves at church. WTF!
So I ditched the church.
And I was angry & resentful with what I thought was God.
I realize now that I don't want to run from God. I had to leave the church, cleanse myself of their indoctrination, and reject every belief of what this god that they brainwashed us with is. So in a way that makes me an atheist, if I reject all the notions of THAT god.
I had to leave the church to find my own salvation and to find my Savior wherever He is really hiding.
Because if I have learned anything in all these years, it is that Jesus is rarely found at church.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
vietnam
i gave my mom money yesterday in an envelope labeled "mom-vietnam".
i've been saving cash hoping she would not have to feel the burden of paying so much for a plane ticket. vacations shouldnt start off with financial stress. it should be a break from all the stress.
it hurts my heart that this is the only way we can say 'i love you' to one another is through money & materials that cost money, but i think as i get older it just makes it easier to accept that it is the only way she knows.
i've been saving cash hoping she would not have to feel the burden of paying so much for a plane ticket. vacations shouldnt start off with financial stress. it should be a break from all the stress.
it hurts my heart that this is the only way we can say 'i love you' to one another is through money & materials that cost money, but i think as i get older it just makes it easier to accept that it is the only way she knows.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
zzz
losing my balance upon trying to walk into my apartment, tipping, and nearly falling over before i caught myself on the door handle, has made me realize how important sleep is.
i am about to try and rest now. my hands are tingly and numb from being so tired.
i am about to try and rest now. my hands are tingly and numb from being so tired.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Clifford
I'm going to volunteer tomorrow morning for Story Time at BN.
Clifford the Big Red Dog is coming to visit the rug rats & feed them tiny sugar cookies before giving them back to their parents.
Then I have to go home, shower, eat breakfast, put on some decent business attire, and drive back towards the general area of work in order to meet with a possible client. I have to somehow impress these people with my portfolio enough so that they'd feel justified paying 600 bucks for me to take pictures.
I still think 600 is a freakin' steal. Even the 750 I normally charge per wedding is ridiculously cheap compared to some of the other wedding photographers out there.
Wish me luck.
Clifford the Big Red Dog is coming to visit the rug rats & feed them tiny sugar cookies before giving them back to their parents.
Then I have to go home, shower, eat breakfast, put on some decent business attire, and drive back towards the general area of work in order to meet with a possible client. I have to somehow impress these people with my portfolio enough so that they'd feel justified paying 600 bucks for me to take pictures.
I still think 600 is a freakin' steal. Even the 750 I normally charge per wedding is ridiculously cheap compared to some of the other wedding photographers out there.
Wish me luck.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
hello summer
i just have to say how much i love summer.
technically it is still spring, but as any georgian would know summer starts in the middle of the last 2 weeks of winter here. the days go as follows: cold, sleet, 60 degrees, 75 degrees, snow, cold, 80 degrees, rain, frozen rain, 75 degrees, 75 degrees, 80 degrees with humidity, and then BAM!- it feels like summer until around november-december.
so i dub this georgia spring-summer, or sprummer if you would.
no, but seriously, now that the sun is out, the days are longer, and i can go outside without my long coats i just feel so ridiculously alive... and cooped up.
i dont know if it is the hypomania starting to kick in or the fact that my body is craving sunlight and exercise, but i've been going out almost every other night or laying in the sun with music & booze almost every other day.
on top of that, things are starting to pick up since it is wedding/graduation/prom season!
that means more gigs so i can work at BN less days and still be able to pay the bills.
my cameras can safely be outside for shoots without freezing over. my subjects can be in natural light without bulky coats. i feel like i am doing something enjoyable again... huzzah.
technically it is still spring, but as any georgian would know summer starts in the middle of the last 2 weeks of winter here. the days go as follows: cold, sleet, 60 degrees, 75 degrees, snow, cold, 80 degrees, rain, frozen rain, 75 degrees, 75 degrees, 80 degrees with humidity, and then BAM!- it feels like summer until around november-december.
so i dub this georgia spring-summer, or sprummer if you would.
no, but seriously, now that the sun is out, the days are longer, and i can go outside without my long coats i just feel so ridiculously alive... and cooped up.
i dont know if it is the hypomania starting to kick in or the fact that my body is craving sunlight and exercise, but i've been going out almost every other night or laying in the sun with music & booze almost every other day.
on top of that, things are starting to pick up since it is wedding/graduation/prom season!
that means more gigs so i can work at BN less days and still be able to pay the bills.
my cameras can safely be outside for shoots without freezing over. my subjects can be in natural light without bulky coats. i feel like i am doing something enjoyable again... huzzah.
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